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mommaceitta's Blog


Again

I can cry, I can laugh...
I have a yet another hurdle to cross, oh the molehills we create into moutains in this walk.
Sometimes I am so amazed at how our life can effect the life of another. I dated a  guy for short time, then just stopped talking to him, no reason, just thought it best. He just not as loving as I need in a man. And I only want to be in the arms of one, but at this point I don't want to belong anywhere are to anyone. 
So he calls out of the blue and I go out with him, we had a wonderful day together, and I gave him the part of me I thought he loved the best. When it was over, I quickly got dressed and left. So he says I broke his heart, he wanted to hold me and love me after. WTH, he now is gonna learn to be loving, gentle, sweet and what I need? 
how do I absorb this new thing he wants between us, he wants me with him, beside him, in his bed all the time, he wants me!! 
Can I love him? I just not sure, can I truly love again? I don't want to use him, and I have always been a giver, he says no one has ever made him feel like I do?? So I have the opportunity to teach a 61 year old man what love really is?? lol he really has no clue, but he sure likes it when I laugh and make him laugh, you can tell its new to him, and it confuses me, because I have lived like this, forever. Silly and full of life, wonder and love. Mama taught me this and it stuck.
Therfore my heart breaks often, but I heal..most of the time. Yet my thoughts run as deep as my feelings..
 

Summer

Summer times blues!!
A long look at the person I have become, kinda scary.. WTH happen to that woman with faith, wanted to love lol she was a fool. Still a fool, no direction, no path, not any kind of plan. No purpose why not end my life, this is what my roommate said yesterday. Why prolong a life with the pain. 
So today I wonder is taking the medication to prolong life, is there to help with a better life. Hard words to hear, but maybe what I needed. I stopped my meds, even the insulin, got in bad shape, but stayed on this side of the grave, I can't take my life, because its my life.
Oh I miss my love, I miss my mama, daddy's so many, but got love of grands on this side. I hate that I let those words get me this upset, why would I think my life is not worth living? how can overcome the bad thought? Survive this I have done, now I want to live.

gonna make it

went back home a few days spent with family and friends, then another night with the grands!!
Out on the town we went all dressed up and looking good, I just laughed who gonna look at an ole curvy gal, turns out a lot of guys still find me attractive..so that made me feel a little better about me..but gotta a long way to go for any kind of real self worth.
Got a letter today saying i would draw a widow's pension, so if that turns out to be correct yes, I will be set up to live okay, especially since i will have medicare in march.
So maybe i might be ok after all, the best part is I will only have to depend on me!!

New life

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I had a Date!!!

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Crazy

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It is over

Since my last entry  life has stopped.
April 2 my husband's heart stopped as he lay beside of me in our bed, Oh God I tried to get his heart beating 911 came and as they took him away his heart started for a moment and he was put on life support. He was took off the machines and they said he was dead on the 3rd. My life stopped but I was still in it as I still am, my mouth speaks but not sure of the words anymore, never have I felt so much pain never!!!!!
I loved that man with my whole heart, he had put me through a living hell for a lot of years but in the end we got it right. When I got down he took care of me, and I knew he loved me with his whole heart the last thing he said to me, was Carolyn I love you more than anything in this world, and he meant it....
So what about the disability???yes i went to the hearing and the judge said I was 100%disable !!!!Thank you Lord!!! So in a few months my checks start I will also draw off my husband's pension, so I will be ok. He said I would be, but not inside.
when life stops it stops!!!! No more I am sorry, no more I love you's. No More...and then you are left and it is the hardest thing in life. I would join a support group if i could find one, guess what not one here, so maybe after i get better, if i ever do i can start one in this town.
I actually went on a dating site no I don't know why, yes I am scared, but it might help. may be a hatchet murder , not sure but going to dinner in a few weeks with this guy. Besides I was thinking today it has been a year are so since I did the wild thing and it might be fun if....lol yea still want to laugh and live just not in so much pain...

New Life

My life has changed a lot since my last post, and I wanted to keep some type of log of the disability fight. I have a hearing for May, so now I will stand or sit in front of a judge who will decide my future, the lawyers wants me to go back to the doctors and get more letters from them saying I am disable..I no my doctor will not change her mind because my health has only got worse, not better.
So I have had to give up housekeeping all together, we now live with my son and his family. Hubby had open heart surgery then a stroke and needs constant care. I do everything for him, but my ability is limited because of health so I need help.
Son's Step daughter is a terror, she is three with the attitude of a fifteen year old. And of course she is left here with me anytime they leave, they can't take her out the way she acts. Screams bloody murder if she don't get what she wants Of course i love her dearly and try really hard to teach her to be sweet, but gets on hubby's nerves so bad, so everything has become strained on me trying to keep peace. My son and his wife have opened up their home, their life to help us and hubby can't act like the three year old. But he has always been just as spoiled so we see how it plays out.
I hope and pray that at this point I can get my disability, because their is no way I can go back to work, but still wish that I could. This time with no work and no money has been all most to much to bare. Only by the grace of God, because he will always be with me.
This morning I was in so much pain, and all I could think was its time to give up, but then I know my hubby only has me to depend on, and my kids love their mama. i am so blessed with love from some wonderful people.
So we will see if they say yes or no in May, Praying for a yes. Don't know how much longer i can take the pain in the body. I need the insurance so bad.

change is coming

I got a call from the congressmen office telling my case was coming up, now on the books. So I will get to have a hearing and they will decide if I am disable to work. Lord please be with me and help as these people hold my future on earth in their hands.
Trying to get packed to move in with my son and his wife, but it is so hard. Stand and work at tops twenty minutes or so. the fire (nerve damage) was so bad this morning it was after lunch before I could even think about getting dressed. Not to complain just stating the facts as I see em.
So hoping everything will be okay, and hubby acts like a decent human down there, he wants me to buy a camper, so that when i die he will be set up. Who is to say he may die first. Any way i will keep pretending everything is okay between us and pray for the best....
So will I finally get my disability, i don't know but i hope so, so much medication and the extra cost of the shots now twice a day.
To even think if i don't is not even in my head, i guess i will deal or not. if not i will go in rehab and say i am a dope head then i will get it..what a system, so wrong...
so now that the fire breathing dragon has went off to bed will try to pack some more need to be finished in 5 days...
Good luck to me..lol 

Life has a way. or better yet God has a way

Well New Years day I received the news of a Grandson, and a gift of a new grandson, my little Huckleberry, what a precious beautiful baby.
And Angels came by and fixed the well so we have water for the first time in 3 months. wow what miracles we have had in the past week.... yea big ole smile.
so today we made the decision to break up housekeeping and move in with my son and his wife. They are so excited ??? I am praying they are never disappointed with this decision.Because he works the third shift, he says it will be great knowing we are there at night when he is gone.
My son and I have always had a wonderful relationship always been able to talk about everything, so it is gonna be alright. I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my heart, mama is even happy so gonna get her closer down there to me, she is the reason i am still here and not there with the kids.
And social security promises a hearing next month, oh i pray to get approved, if not i will just have to keep fighting because i can't work, God knows i would be if i could.
Life in this new year is gonna be another challenge, but i hope for the better.  
I am gonna miss my church, but i know God will take care of that too!!!!

New Year coming our way

New year yes 2013 praying for better health and better life...out with the old and in with the new right...
I just found out that my son is having a son, oh so so so happy, he and wife are beside their self. yes wonderful news for them both.
I have so much to live for, and got to get better to be here for all the miracles. does this mean i fear not being here, yes...last visit to the doctor so much bad...not afraid of going on to my home on the other side, just got so much on this side.
maybe will hear from disability soon, praying for a favorable answer. most every organ in my body effected from diabetes, 15 pills a day plus shots, pain that is beyond belief , was diagnosed 16 years ago with chronic pain, but learned to live around it..but now it is painful every movement, sleep in a ball as not to move and wake from the pain.
I try to make every one smile and know how much i love em, and how God loves them. i want my life to speak for its self as a testimony of the light of God. love is what i value most, what else can we take with us????
last night i prayed to dance today and , I danced for a brief minute this morning... God loves me and hears my pleas, how wonderful is that?????
I hope and pray that soon very soon, this journey to disability will be over, and my house won't be so cold because money will come and we can afford the extra's like gas. lol but happy anyway.
So go on girlie and have a wonderful day, with the news of a new grandson what could top that???
Happy new year!!!

day by day

Yes the days have come and gone, relief from this pain i have not known. But i have learned to live with it more.
I had a procedure done in the hospital a few weeks ago, and as i have learned to do, got my records, and the surgeon sated in my records they gave me a lot more knock out medicine that the normal patient because my body was in such distress from pain could not do a complete study. So even being put under, i am still in such pain.
This makes me sad, but at the same time maybe the social security people can see I struggle daily...
this morning i woke up in such a good mood, content through all the gloom, God's sweet love for me and his grace covering me in my time of need.
So my hubby also in bad shape, but thank God no bone disease...they put him on pure morphine, high high dosage, so we are here for each other the best way we can. I make him laugh with my silly little stunts of craziness, and he makes me laugh with his be still dances, one morning i wanted to do the twist, of course i can't but tried got stuck, and to do it with my walker, but it was fun...
life is what we make it, and every day is a gift, yes i have much wrong in my body, and not getting better, doctor called my blood came back, now i must go back in to find out what else is wrong...:( but i refuse to cry for myself, regardless of the doom and gloom results. it is what it is, and i am what i am..and that is a child of the one true God.
I can't explain the peace in my heart because it is from my God...
And he will strength my spirit and one day i shall leave this realm and go to the next. this body is only a shell and when i pass through it will be my soul, my spirit, part of the light, and be in that beautiful light....my new home with God, apart of it all, a place prepared for me... 

????

Today has been rewarding as I was able to really witness, and anytime I talk about my God its a good day. I have been sitting in the chair with pain gripping my every move, hey why let it consume me, yea just kept pushing through then here came the giggles, and here alone i have had a wonderful evening, me my tv, internet and the good Lord..

Life

Today my mind races and I want to write, but what do I have to say? anything to offer?
this is my journey to disability, and today i sat without water or heat. I wonder often how did this happen. But i really am not complaining as we have a roof over our heads. So not homeless just yet, and we are still together. 
I have learned through much prayer to let the past go and looking at my hubby in a different way, now i only feel love and i like it this way.
As all of last week i went to my best friends after her surgery, and seeing how she treats her man is terrible, never have i felt so sorry for someone. He waits on her hand and foot, cooks cleans hands over money just what ever, and she talks down all the time.I don't ever want to be that kind of person, not judging her just saying...
but have found will be up for hearing in February, 2 judges for the whole state. So that explains the long wait. I have so many diagnosis, most chronic I hope to be approved, if not i don't know what i will do. 
But things will get better i know this just because in the mist of these hard ships my heart isn't bitter, and i still love with my whole heart, thank you Jesus.
So deeper i go into to depression, no not gonna give in nor give-up..I know GOD HAS A PLAN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE and all i want is to be in his will. JESUS help me to be all i can be for your honor and glory.

Why should I still be alive

As life goes on outside my door, I wonder why am still doing here taking the air that belongs to someone deserving of it.
I am so lonely and have to spend so much time alone. It is really getting to me. My hubby has his disability, but he can get up and be gone every day, all day. and me not able to get mine and I am not able to enjoy very many things in life. I wish my kids lived closer and the I believe I would be better, just to have em around.
I hate how I feel about myself and him, but its just so hard.
they just tagged me in pictures of him having a wonderful time riding motorcycles, why they want to tag me? I sure wasn't there...I am not able to raise my legs high enough to get on must less ride. just to rub it in my face i guess. hello that's not nice...don't include me in your pictures when i am never involved..
oh well let me stop, and dry up these tears that i am not allowed to let fall, and pretend everything is ok. Pain has cost me everything, everything why don't it just take my life?

depression hard to fight today

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another Day, not another dolllar

today is my day with my therapist, will I open up? probably not, but sometimes the heart just opens, then I have fear and a lot of it...
Why do i put up the walls and refuse to let anyone to know the real me? i suppose its because of all the pain from the past.
Sometimes I think maybe i should go back and write a memory a day, now would that help or hurt. but in all things that i have come through their has been a lesson.
So only three hours of sleep a night lately, the pain has stared easing, and i am so thankful. cymbalty    and lyric have helped the neuropathy. now the neck and back still hurt, but that i can take a little better. this neuropathy is just the worst of the worst.
went to three of my doctors last week, want to get off some of this medication, but its not possible. the blood pressure is going back up, but pain causes this, diabetes not leveling out that is scary  too. Because that makes everything else worse.
But i am still here, and just need to find a way to have an impact again. I want to work for God, all the time being what he wants me to be.....

Promises

My heart is heavy, a promise made that i may not be able to keep. i know that promises are made and broken daily, therefore I don't make promises.
my mama is very close this time and time is short, they won't allow her to come here because of the care she needs, and my health won't allow me to give that care. so she has made me promise to be there holding her hand as she goes on to the other side. I pray that God will allow me to be holding her hand and letting the love flow between us, as I have learned in life is so important.
She told me yesterday, she said "Carolyn I know I always say I want to go home to Jesus, but now that the time is so close I m so scared.". My heart just broke, but just a few weeks ago I dreamed my daddy was coming to take her there. So I know he will be there to take her hand and help her to make that walk. My dream so real more like a vision.
So we will see how this one plays out, so much love in my heart, all the pain gone, the hurt banished by the love God has given me in my heart. Thank you father God....

Stories of comfort

this morning had to get up way to early, witch is my normal any more..
then as i read the word of God, my mind seems to soak like a sponge and my heart seems to enlarge. This wonderful love of God is just a miracle. and the knowing that it will be okay.
I am so blessed with family and friends that love me, its amazing because i know its not me, its the Love that is inside my heart that has came from God.
So maybe soon he will guide the hands of those that have my file on their desk and the approval will come, this is my prayer today Lord hear my pleas.
got a lot to do if my feet and legs will allow it, every little bit helps thou.
So happy days ahead..

maybe soon

this morning hasn't started to good so far, but still got most of the day to go.
I was able to get medicine yesterday for the nerve damage, but was told not to take because of other medication. wow why would they write it???
my legs never stop hurting and the pain is worst than in the back.. so many medical problems it is driving me crazy, so i think when i go see the shrink i am going in treatment for a little while.
just tired i guess, my whole insides are full of holes, and yesterday, i decided not to have surgery. yes it will have to be done so as not to choke to death but i don't think i am able right now, and its my body, besides i don't trust the doctor so...
Cousins day went well everyone enjoyed them selves.

1-20 of 57 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Again, posted June 17th, 2014
Summer, posted June 12th, 2014
gonna make it, posted September 13th, 2013
New life, posted September 10th, 2013
I had a Date!!!, posted May 17th, 2013, 3 comments
Crazy, posted May 15th, 2013, 2 comments
It is over, posted May 11th, 2013
New Life, posted March 25th, 2013
change is coming, posted January 10th, 2013, 1 comment
Life has a way. or better yet God has a way, posted January 6th, 2013
New Year coming our way, posted December 31st, 2012
day by day, posted December 10th, 2012
????, posted November 29th, 2012
Life, posted November 19th, 2012
Why should I still be alive, posted November 3rd, 2012
depression hard to fight today, posted November 1st, 2012
another Day, not another dolllar, posted October 29th, 2012
Promises, posted October 25th, 2012
Stories of comfort, posted October 18th, 2012
maybe soon, posted October 17th, 2012
Just ok either way, posted October 8th, 2012
So here I am, posted September 19th, 2012
made it lol still here, posted August 27th, 2012, 3 comments
i wanna just go away, posted August 26th, 2012
me again, posted August 24th, 2012
I gotta a never ending love for you, posted August 20th, 2012
Again here to write, posted August 19th, 2012
A reminder, posted August 15th, 2012
the nerve!!! LOL, posted August 11th, 2012
mind over matter, posted August 10th, 2012
de de dum de de dum, posted August 9th, 2012
wow what a day, posted August 5th, 2012, 1 comment
thankful, posted August 4th, 2012, 1 comment
another pain filled day, posted August 3rd, 2012
just me, posted August 1st, 2012, 1 comment
I am alive, posted July 30th, 2012
gone, posted July 25th, 2012, 1 comment
7-24-12, posted July 24th, 2012
wedding, posted July 22nd, 2012
wednesday, posted July 18th, 2012, 1 comment
Another Test, posted July 16th, 2012
Silence, posted July 14th, 2012
loss, posted July 11th, 2012
July 6, posted July 6th, 2012
*****<3, posted July 5th, 2012
4th of July, posted July 4th, 2012
hehehaha, posted July 3rd, 2012
otay, posted July 2nd, 2012
no name, posted June 3rd, 2012
again, posted June 1st, 2012
1-50 of 62 Blog Posts   

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